The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Houston, we have a blender
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We had sex on a dog bed..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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