Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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