You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
