so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
