I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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