Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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