im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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