I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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