Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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