I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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