I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
