they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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