i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
