Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
