I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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