He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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