she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
