I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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