dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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