Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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