I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
