How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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