I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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