If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
