I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
