The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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