weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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