talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
