And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
