she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
