remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Randomize
