I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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