When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
