The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
