Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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