I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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