people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
