Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
