Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
