Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
