saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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