I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
