I got chris browned last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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