my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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