So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
