Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
