I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize