I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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