You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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