you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
