My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
