I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
