Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
