Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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