What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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