A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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