I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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