So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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