I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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