Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
