She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
