i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize