genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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