Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize