i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
